I was laying, face-down on the massage table, desperately trying to itch my nose through the face hole gap. My mind was racing over 1000 things. Over the course of four days, I had the most straight-forward, no nonsense advice I’d ever received, from people I respected and then, like the clouds parted, the biggest sign from God I could have ever received.
Yes, God, I hear you.
Got it. Thanks.
Laying on the table, completely naked, greased up, with every possible thought, I felt vulnerable. And scared. And frustrated. And pissed off. Yeah. Pissed the f*ck off. I felt challenged… here I am, trying to treat myself and give myself a break and instead, I’m lying there with an immense amount of tension and hardly able to chill. In fact, the masseuse kept having to remind me to relax my arms, lower my shoulders, loosen my jaw. Not only could I not relax, but the masseuse could hardly do her job because I couldn’t calm down.
I left there, feeling depleted. Frustrated that I paid for a massage and here I was, even more tense. Just as I was ready to pack up my barely begun day, I looked up and noticed hundreds, HUNDREDS, of beautiful Painted Lady Butterflies fly past me. I was caught up in their flurry, they were onward, heading to their next destination. Looking back wasn’t an option — they were off. And it reminded me of this article I read a few years back about the butterfly effect. I’ve always been drawn to butterflies, seeking out exhibits where I could be in a sweaty hothouse full of these beautiful creations, just LIVING.
Sometimes the change that we experience is deliberately sought, coming gradually as simply a matter of due course. Sometimes it’s not, and we find it suddenly and inexplicably forced directly upon us. However all change can be a powerful force for growth and transformation. The key is not fearing or fighting against it, but rather seeing it as a tool that empowers us to release the old and give way to the new, a natural cycle in our greater life experience.
Quite frequently, we are not so certain. In the cocoon of our thoughts — fears, doubts, regrets, and a host of other emotions — may be extremely limiting, holding us back from our ability to change and grow. Even if they no longer serve us, our limiting beliefs hold us captive in a place that’s safe and familiar, making us cling to where we are, rather than embracing change and completing the cycle. When we find ourselves in that place between no longer and not yet — it takes the utmost courage to spread our wings and simply fly.
I was hit with overwhelm. This is me. I’m beginning a metamorphosis. I’m being called out. I’m being asked to do more, be more… expectations are high. People in my life are no longer allowing me to take a backseat and stop evolution. Stating gratefulness couldn’t begin to explain how I feel. Earlier this week, I was challenged. I woke up this morning at 3:45am stirring, heavy. I know I’m being called.
I accept this challenge. Falling into comfort is my refusal.