If I were being honest with myself, I lost interest in blogging because I wasn’t Too thrilled about how I looked. point. blank. PERIOD.
I went from walking New York City streets daily to the slow pace of Los Angeles and landed myself in a serious relationship where indulgence and laziness came together for the perfect blend of 30 extra pounds. I lacked major confidence and could feel that in the clothes I’d wear or candid photos taken of me. And because I’m notorious for living in my stories, I could only see myself as a much smaller version of myself and the photos taken of me which I proudly displayed on the blog. I was also 25 years old, that’s six years ago… so many things change beyond the aforementioned.
So, I stopped taking photos. I stopped wanting to share my looks. I didn’t feel good and definitely didn’t want anyone to see the weight gain. And I stopped being inspired with getting dressed. This was also a time period where I started my freelance journey, started JIG+SAW, so I worked from home a lot. And I just couldn’t deal with getting dressed or being cute… mostly because nothing fit right, made me feel confident and left me feeling fatter than I actually was.
But, something changed in me last year. I could feel my confidence come back, starting with a fresh, short, blonde hair cut. I felt like I was transitioning into someone I liked, not someone who was stuck in a very sad relationship, and slowly losing the passion she had. She felt strong and powerful and really, indestructible. She already went through all the shit, right?
Thus, she moved.
Back to the gym I went, I had paid off ALL my debt I accumulated and started to play with clothes again. I have these videos on my phone of me in my little Los Feliz studio apartment (the short stint that it was) and walking towards the mirror with confidence; shorter shorts, crop tops, high slits, heels. I felt like me, the one who loved wearing her emotions through clothing. It felt amazing.
And I finally felt ready to be back in front of the camera. It had been almost two years since I had shot. But I called my brother when I was back home for the holidays, and we went to town. I exuded confidence, and working with my brother is always a lot of fun because we can be creative and play and I can be myself. It felt so great to be back there again. I could feel myself enjoying it, like watching myself from outside myself. Like, that girl is full of joy, yes she is.
— WHAT IM WEARING —
* Similar ASOS Crop Top LINKED HERE
* Similar ASOS Pleated Pants LINKED HERE
* White Converse LINKED HERE
- Straight To Hell Defector Leather Jacket // Men’s (What I’m wearing) // Plus Size Here
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This shoot in particular was about coming back home, feeling nostalgic, reminiscing on the home that built my foundation. We decided to stop by my old high school, which no longer exists. It was turned into a middle school + there’s legit no record of me or anyone that graduated as a high schooler there. Pretty hilarious. My brother and I walked the campus and it felt all too familiar. I revisited the hallway where I threw a locker mirror at this girl (sorry Tiane), where a girl threw a water bottle at my face, where I practiced cheer routines that consisted of Petey Pablo and E-40, where my best friend told me what it would take for us to become real best friends, where I had a panic attack while running the mile which turned into an asthma attack and I was taken off by an ambulance #dramatic and where many an opposing school brawl took place… it was all kind of hilarious, and sad, and sigh-worthy.
Roaming the campus reminded me of who I was. I didn’t genuinely step into the me I would carry for years until senior year, prom night. I was the most confident I’d ever felt those four years, I worked that room like I do now at events, I knew everyone, hugged everyone, danced with everyone (those photos are death) and I was running for prom queen.
“Go stoopid doo-doo dumb, vote for me and get some gum.”
I lost but had the most fun, my date became the boyfriend most of you knew at one point in my life. Yup, that 10-year chaser guy. Him. And that year, during graduation, I did the thizz dance while walking down the podium after receiving my diploma. Yup. That happened.
It was a great time for me — I stepped into my comfort, being loud and open, free from worrying about what people thought and carrying myself with this confidence that honestly brought me through some really amazing transitions in my life.
I feel her again… stepping back into this woman who is so ready to be ME. The me I know has been there. So, let’s all just go stoopid doo-doo dumb for the sake of it.